Life

September

Ah. September. We meet again.

I quite like September. For one, it is my birthday month.

This year, I turned 33 and I was extremely spoiled by my husband and children. I had a wonderful party out here on our acreage and we had a fire, board games, and amazing fireworks. I wish I would’ve taken pictures, but I wanted to be fully present in the experience. I had some wonderful friends come out to celebrate and we stayed up late and drank wine and it was all very lovely.

Two, I really really got spoiled. Oh, I mentioned that already? No really though. I got a really great DSLR camera for my birthday (and I’ve signed up for a free online course to learn more about it) as well as a bluetooth music player (so important for outside fires!) My friends brought me wine and scarves, music, soap and journals. I felt so blessed to be showered by so many lovely gifts! Thank you to you all! xoxo!

Three. Sean hit 4 months of sobriety. So ridiculous that I’m saying it in months rather than days! I am so incredibly proud of his hard work and accomplishment. Just so incredibly tear worthy happy for him. He rocks.

Four. September is a month of renewal and new beginnings. “School” starts, though as a home schooling family, my children do some “work” all summer long. But we get back into our routine or establish our new routine. Everything feels new and fresh. It’s all about optimism and I can see it being a good year. I feel it being a good year. It’s going to be a good year.

So September, by default of even one or two of these happenings, is a good month. With all of this going on, it’s an especially good month.I admit, it’s not all rainbows and lollipops. Today was an especially hard day for me and I’m feeling very drawn to the book The Four Agreements once again to offer me some insight and wisdom.

I admit that the last couple of days I bitched and complained to people. I felt that unbearable loneliness that I hate. I felt that sense of not belonging and not being wanted.

I admit that tomorrow Sean will come home and I will feel better for awhile but I won’t feel completely better because Brian’s year anniversary of passing is coming up quickly. And it devastates me all over again.

I admit that September has shitty things going on too. My world isn’t perfect. September is great, yes, but it’s also terrible. It’s like the Universe is keeping me in check.

But I choose to see the positive over the darkness on most days. And on the other days that I can’t… I admit that I let it consume me. I fall apart and my children see me in this way. But I’ve come to understand that it is SO important for them to see me as another human being who feels just as deeply as they do. I’m not in pieces the vast majority of the time. Usually, I’m well put together, I’m in control, I know what to expect. It’s when that’s not the case that they learn the most about their mother as a human being. And I welcome it.

So, September… I welcome you with all of your wonderfulness and all of your dreadfulness. I welcome you wholeheartedly for everything you bring to my life. Celebration, misery, lessons, the good, the bad, the ugly… etc.

You are a beautiful terrible month.

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