Dirty Little Secret

I initially started this post on December 20th, but had to leave it for awhile as I’ve been having a hard time processing my feelings on it. I have mentioned what is going on a bit via my blog and the comments, and some of the people I communicate with on a more regular basis know what’s going on. But not everyone does. And this may come as a shock to some who know us personally, if they end up reading this post.

Today (Dec. 20, 2012), Sean, plead guilty to a DUI charge. This is part of why he is at home for good and this is why people who know me will often hear me referring to driving Sean to and from work. I feel a lot of emotions regarding this charge, that include sadness and disappointed, as well as anger. I have cried many tears over this. I am however, proud of him that he did decide to plead guilty rather than fight it. I think facing the consequences of your actions in this situation, is the right thing to do.

I find it rather disturbing however, that when he went into court this morning and he talked to whoever it is you talk to about what you want to do/how you want to plead, Sean was told that he shouldn’t plead guilty right away, because there could be something wrong with his case and he could get off on a technicality. This infuriates me. Will this keep our streets safer? I mean, I love Sean and I know that he is a good person. A truly good person. But he is so damaged by addiction and susceptible to his addiction, that until he has this all under control, he really shouldn’t be driving. He was walking in there, saying yes I did this. Yes, I am guilty. And instead, they recommend getting a lawyer to tie up the courts and taxpayers money and hopefully get some cash into the hands of a lawyer? That’s a fucking racket. That is NOT how our justice system should work.

I have been driving Sean around for a month now. It is tiring and I admit that it is a bit of a source of resentment. He is apologetic, but that really doesn’t change anything. I find it’s not just me who is disappointed, but also our daughters too. I am the only one who can drive them anywhere, and since we don’t live in the city, I don’t always particularly want to drive them everywhere.

We were supposed to go to Mexico this February for my mother’s wedding and a family vacation. We cancelled our trip for a few reasons. Part of that was because Sean got a $1700 fine for his DUI and of course he now can’t drive. I didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of driving in Mexico at all (whereas he would’ve) and with a $1700 fine, I just don’t see how with the time off work (not to mention the debt I’ve recently found out about) how we could afford that. We had already booked our flights but put the money into a credit, and I’m hoping I can get someone to buy that off me, and we got most of the money back for the villa we had reserved.

Alcoholism is a jerk. I wish it’d just go away. Too bad it doesn’t work like that.

To top it off, our K-Girl had a MADD presentation at school the other day. I felt compelled to be there with her for it, as it is a very personal issue to us. MADD’s focus is on the victims of drinking and driving. And I get that. But another other side of the story is alcoholism. And I’m seeing in our everyday lives how judgmental society is to the disease. How much of a stigma there is. How we chalk it up to a choice and not a disease at all. I struggle with it myself. Why did he choose to drink and drive? Even knowing that he suffers from a disease and I can’t really understand what he is going through, just as he can’t understand what we are going through. We are living different realities that coincide/overlap with each other.  It’s a hard process. One that continues to test our family.

So there it is. Our dirty little secret. Something, I don’t particularly want to share, yet I think it’s important. That honesty, even if it is with virtual strangers, is important. To speak the truth about this, rather than have it continue to be a dirty little secret. Perhaps someone else will be going through the same thing and they can offer some advice, or maybe they can feel some peace from knowing they aren’t alone. The secret is now out.


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