All or Nothing

In my last post More Confusion – , Iceman18 – offered support but also a comment that got me thinking. He wrote:

“Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

I wouldn’t let anybody try to convince you though, that some how you can be in recovery for one chemical and at the same time, still abusing another chemical. Sorry, it just doesn’t work that way. “

I wondered, is this true? Can it not work this way? I think that it can. But I also recognize that I’m looking at the situation with different eyes. I’m not the addict.

I think that I’ve failed to recognize that maybe his “relapse” is somewhere in between a lapse and relapse. I’ve only just been reading that there is a difference, recently. And I’m not sure how to define it exactly. He hasn’t slid so far back that I can’t see any way out of this, nor does he feel like there’s no digging himself out of this. But the instances have been occurring on what seem to me a more regular basis. I think that if we aren’t careful, we could easily be back to where we were 3 years ago. The definitions for the two seem to be varied, so it’s hard to pinpoint just where he is. But to be honest, we have had temptations in the home that are probably not fair to him at all. I enjoy drinking wine and I make it. Sean has always said that he is fine with liquor in the home throughout his recovery process, but he also hasn’t lived in our home full time. He’s been out of town working for a lot of this. Things changed, or should have, once he came home for good. And I failed to realize that he would need this and wouldn’t necessarily know how to say it.

Temptation has proven to be too much, so we’ve made the decision to remove it all from the home. I want our home to be a safe place for him. I don’t want every day to be a struggle for him here because he knows there’s a bottle of wine in the rack in the kitchen. And I think the fact that he has stayed straight when it comes to the cocaine and other drugs he we was using, is because simply put, because it’s not around him anymore.

When he didn’t live with us, he lived with a guy he worked with, but who was 10 years younger than him and heavily into the party scene. Everyone he was hanging out with when we kicked him out, was heavy into the drug scene. Kicking him out really did him no favours as it was free license to get deeper into despair and just not give a fuck. The only reason I know I did the right thing is because his actions were putting our children in danger. And the safety of my children is paramount. But I felt terrible, feeling like I was abandoning him, feeding him to the sharks. The point is though, that he isn’t in that same situation, so the drugs aren’t prevalent, nor are they that much of a temptation. I’m not saying that if someone offered them to him, he wouldn’t take that offer up… That’s a very real threat/possibility. But he’s just not associating with these people except maybe while actually on the job site. Other than that, he’s at home with us, or with the rest of his family. It’s not hard to keep tabs on him since he doesn’t have a license anymore.

So, I do think, based on each person’s circumstances that they could very well be struggling with relapse or lapses with one substance, while still in recovery for another. And I hope that WE can get this monster under control. Today I feel positive about it. Like it’s not as daunting as it was this weekend. And I’m ready to take this on.


6 thoughts on “All or Nothing

  1. When my son went into treatment, I was finally able to relax and sleep at night, because I knew he was safe. Not on the streets, not selling drugs, not getting into fights, getting arrested, having car wrecks. It was so peaceful, knowing where he was at night. I used to pray he’d get arrested, so I would know where he was and was safe from drugs. It is not your fault that your husband went to jail.

    The thing that worries me most for you is that you have said in several posts that your husband hits you. Once a man hits you, he will do it again, high or sober. He may do it more often when he is high, but he will do it again and again. You deserve better. You are a person of worth.

    If there is an Al-Anon or a Nar-Anon in your community, run, don’t walk, to the nearest meeting. You will find others who understand what you are going through. The local NA or AA group can tell you where those other groups meet, if they aren’t in the phone book.

    • My husband has never hit me. I’ve never said that? If I said escalated, that means voices raised and to be honest, I’ve thrown my cell phone at him a few times, but he has NEVER hit me. If he had, we’d be long gone. Physical violence is something that I’m just not willing to tolerate. Ever. Thank you for your comments.

      • I apologize, I was following you and veered off to someone else’s post. That is where I got the idea that you were being abused. I’m glad you are taking care of yourself, and wouldn’t tolerate that behavior. Thank you for your posts.

      • I was wondering if you had been reading someone else! I was confused, but I still thank you very much for posting. I appreciate it very much. We all need support in this battle against alcoholism/ addiction. I love that there are people here online, willing to give offer advice, support, and wisdom. :)

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