Today was rough. I work on Fridays, but Sean doesn’t. When he asked me to call him, I did, and when I spoke with him, I could tell right away that he had been drinking. I know him so well. His mannerisms. His way of speaking. His movements. When I got home, I confronted him and the situation escalated. I found out that he had been keeping a financial matter from me for a very long time. He didn’t come clean about it either, I asked to see his bank accounts, and that’s how I found out about it. $7500. It’s a lot, especially considering the rest of his debt, this huge hole he dug himself into while supporting his drug habit. I asked him to leave, but of course he couldn’t just drive anywhere, so I packed up my girls and we left into town, and I asked him to let me know when he was gone so that we could go back home. I contacted some friends and family, but no one was readily available to have us over. When I think about it logically, I know that everyone has their lives, their own things going on, but I was feeling very vulnerable, and not having anyone ready to offer some face to face companionship and support, hurt.
I admit that I have a lot of anger and I hate it. It’s very confusing to be the spouse of an alcoholic and I know it’s very confusing for my children to have a father who suffers from this disease. I find myself feeling very hurt by the choices he makes. But it’s not just him. I feel hurt when no one asks me how I’m doing because everyone wants to tiptoe around the fact that he is an alcoholic. I don’t want to be coddled either, but this is stressful and difficult territory to tread and “how are you doing?” or “how is Sean doing?” would be welcome every once in awhile. Perhaps people don’t want to hear all about the things that aren’t fantastic? I’m not sure.
It seems like something big happens, and then we work ourselves out of it, get to a place where I think we can really start making progress, and then another relapse happens. Do I need to just let go of the anger completely? Realize that I can’t do anything about the drinking? If he drinks, so be it? If he continues to dig us into a deeper hole financially, let it be? I just don’t know. I feel lost today. My emotions have been on a roller coaster and it’s been very hard to deal with. I’ve never been much of a fan of amusement park rides.