More Confusion

Today was rough. I work on Fridays, but Sean doesn’t. When he asked me to call him, I did, and when I spoke with him, I could tell right away that he had been drinking. I know him so well. His mannerisms. His way of speaking. His movements. When I got home, I confronted him and the situation escalated. I found out that he had been keeping a financial matter from me for a very long time. He didn’t come clean about it either, I asked to see his bank accounts, and that’s how I found out about it. $7500. It’s a lot, especially considering the rest of his debt, this huge hole he dug himself into while supporting his drug habit. I asked him to leave, but of course he couldn’t just drive anywhere, so I packed up my girls and we left into town, and I asked him to let me know when he was gone so that we could go back home. I contacted some friends and family, but no one was readily available to have us over. When I think about it logically, I know that everyone has their lives, their own things going on, but I was feeling very vulnerable, and not having anyone ready to offer some face to face companionship and support, hurt.

I admit that I have a lot of anger and I hate it. It’s very confusing to be the spouse of an alcoholic and I know it’s very confusing for my children to have a father who suffers from this disease. I find myself feeling very hurt by the choices he makes. But it’s not just him. I feel hurt when no one asks me how I’m doing because everyone wants to tiptoe around the fact that he is an alcoholic. I don’t want to be coddled either, but this is stressful and difficult territory to tread and “how are you doing?” or “how is Sean doing?” would be welcome every once in awhile. Perhaps people don’t want to hear all about the things that aren’t fantastic? I’m not sure.

It seems like something big happens, and then we work ourselves out of it, get to a place where I think we can really start making progress, and then another relapse happens. Do I need to just let go of the anger completely? Realize that I can’t do anything about the drinking? If he drinks, so be it? If he continues to dig us into a deeper hole financially, let it be? I just don’t know. I feel lost today. My emotions have been on a roller coaster and it’s been very hard to deal with. I’ve never been much of a fan of amusement park rides.


12 thoughts on “More Confusion

  1. I wish you and your family the best during what has to be a trying time. I am “liking” this post, not because I like what has happened, but because you have taken a step to express it. I wish you well.

    • Thank you. I generally take a “like’ to a post as some sort of support and I thank you for commenting on it and offering your support. I appreciate it. :)

  2. I’m so sorry for the tough time you’re going through, but no one can answer those questions for you. All you can do is meditate and listen to your own voice inside, and you’ll find peace knowing that whatever path you choose, you’ll be true to yourself and your children. For me, I finally found the strength to separate from my ex-husband when I realized I contributed to his depression by pretending to be his perfect wife, when I felt like I was living a lie. Totally different situation, but the point is to listen to yourself, and start on the road ahead. And the choice doesn’t have to be with him or without him… maybe changing the relationship can help you actually be more of a real part of each others lives.

    • Thank you. We have identified that there is temptation in the home so today I will be working on getting rid of those temptations. When I listen to myself, I know that we need more outside support. So today I will also be looking into his benefits plan at the counselling options, etc, and I have talked to my oldest daughter about her checking out alateen at the same time I check out al-anon.

    • Thank you for posting. I was very secretive for a long time about our family struggles with addiction/alcoholism. I think in order for society (and at the very basic level our own family) to move forward in how we deal with this disease, we need to share both our tragedy and our triumph regarding it.

  3. Protect yourself and your cubs! Can you kick him out? Have you talked about him going to rehab? Consider this, the more you help him and provide those “soft landings” the more you harm you, your children and your husband. What you thought was a good deed is exactly the opposite.

    It sounds like your husband is alcoholic. If he is, and he continues to drink, things will always get worse, they will never get better! And the stakes get higher as you travel the path to certain death.

    • Thank you for your comments. He is an alcoholic and a recovering addict. He’s been to rehab. The relapse rate for gov’t funded rehab is incredibly high and probably not worth sending him to again. He hasn’t relapsed with drugs since rehab though, so that’s one good thing. If he was putting us in dangerous situations, we would leave or have him leave. That is what it came down to before. He has shown tremendous improvement though and I think he deserves some recognition for that. I watched him go through withdrawals before he entered rehab, and I know that wasn’t easy. Obviously he still struggles and has more work to do. Today we will look at counseling and support groups.

      • Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

        I wouldn’t let anybody try to convince you though, that some how you can be in recovery for one chemical and at the same time, still abusing another chemical. Sorry, it just doesn’t work that way.

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