On Sunday evening, despite being sick and having worked on the car for half the day, and just having spent an hour playing & building Lego with our youngest daughter R, Sean said, “Ok k-girl, you have knitting needles? Let’s learn how to do this.”
And in that moment I fell in love with him all over again. I smiled at him and tears came to my eyes at realizing just how lucky these kids of ours, and I, are. I felt so much love for him and his willingness to participate & learn alongside our children in the activities they are interested in.
Later after our K-girl got into bed, he continued on learning how to knit so that he could give her more help and instruction the next day. After awhile, he went downstairs to put on a movie.
I went to get a bottle of wine from our spare room, so I could pour myself a glass. We had just bottled a batch, and I noticed that there was one missing. This was easy to note because we had just bottled it and I knew how much we gotten out of it, and I had only given a single bottle away the night before. They were separate from the other wine in the rack as they needed to stand upright for a few days before being laid down in the rack. And truth be told, when you have a partner that is an alcoholic and addict, you learn to keep track of what’s in the house.
I went downstairs and questioned Sean. At first he played dumb, but then he seemed to think better of it and the reaction it was provoking in me, and quickly admitted that he had indeed drank a bottle of wine. It came out later that he drank it simply because he was bored earlier on in the day when he had been working on the car.
I was once again so disappointed, and so angry, and so hurt. We got into an argument and I was unkind with my words, using them like daggers to pierce him and inflict some sort of hurt on him so that he might understand how I felt. I am not proud of this. I still do not know how to process all of those feelings in the moment. It is such an emotional situation, every time it happens. I think too, that it was even that much more a disappointment after having just felt so much love and luck and awe at having him in our lives. I felt like a fool. The biggest fool.
I question how many times we can go through this. I lamented to my friend Rebecca that I just want to figure out what the lesson is I’m supposed to learn from this, so I can move on. Is it that I should stick it out? Is it that I should be advocating for these types of issues? Is it that I should call it quits? Is it something I haven’t even thought of yet? I just don’t know.
I feel tired sometimes, but I don’t feel done. Not yet. But I sure hope I don’t end up the fool.