On October 5th, I posted the following on Facebook.
…is having a hard time saying what she wants to say. Life is fleeting. You never know how much time you have here. So live it. Love. Forgive. Stay positive, encourage others, and see the beauty that surrounds us every day. There is a lot of horrible and we can’t ignore it, but recognize the good and propel it forward so that someday our children may live in a world that is less abrasive and terrible. There are so many things left unsaid… So say them before it’s too late.
Near the end of September, I lost my friend Brian. His death has profoundly affected me. No matter what his lifestyle was, he just wasn’t supposed to leave us this early. 32 is too young. And God do I miss him; tremendously. It’s not like we saw each other or even communicated that often in this past year (with me off Facebook). He had his life, his daughter, and he worked out of the country. Last I heard he was seeing someone new and giving it a good go. I have my life, Sean and the girls, work and classes, the busyness of everyday life and acreage living. Despite that, everyday living, I thought of him often.
He took a long time to get on Facebook, and I used to look for him often on there, as we had lost touch for awhile (in those years after high school and before I originally joined Facebook). And when he finally showed up, I was elated. And almost immediately we set about figuring when we could hang out to catch up and enjoy each others company. We always had some pretty intense sexual tension between us too, and I remember when we did get together the first time after all those years, how the sexual tension was right back there too, like another old friend we were catching up with.
I keep his funeral program on the magnet board in my dining/kitchen area so I can see his picture every day. And I do, look at his face every day and wonder all of my whys. I can’t bear to delete his phone number even though I know I’ll never get to call or text him again. I look at his Facebook wall, at the photos other people have posted. I think about the crazy parties we went to in high school. I think about how when I was 17, almost 18, and was in Europe for a month in the summer right after high school, I used my then boyfriend’s calling card to call Brian on his birthday and talk to him for a good 30 or so minutes. I brought that up one night in conversation via Facebook and he totally remembered it. I remember the first time I kissed him and I remember telling him one night, “I think I love you.” I wonder if he remembered that. I remember going to movies with him and walking side by side to catch our bus after school every day and chatting with him on the phone. I remember standing outside with him sharing a cigarette, despite the fact I don’t really smoke, and him telling me how sexy I looked holding it. We waited more than a decade for the timing to finally be right, for neither of us to have been in a committed relationship, to finally share ourselves with each other. And I’ll cherish all of those memories forever.
**Just a side note for those who realize Sean and I did end up getting back together and think I’m possibly a terrible person for my relations with other people during that time… We both saw other people and moved on (or tried to) during our 3 year split. There was no intention of us getting back together during that time, though I still cared very deeply for him and missed him a lot, and I’m very happy that we did end up getting back together.
Another time, another place, and things may have been different. Then again, maybe not. Regardless, in this life, he somehow embedded a piece of himself into my heart. And it hurts to think about him being gone. I think it will hurt for a long time. But I’m coping a lot better than I did in that first month. I’m still quick to tear up and it’s harder to breathe when I think of him. I get that lump in my throat and the sadness still threatens to suffocate me. But the day to day of life is easier. It’s easier to get up and go about my day and remind myself what a blessing it is that I even had the opportunity to know him. It’s easier to remind myself that I am still here amongst the living, so many of whom are beautiful souls, my children included, and I should bask in the beauty of every single day I get to exist.
Tonight, I’m just especially thinking of him. Remembering him. Missing him.